I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
