You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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