I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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