I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
