wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
