Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
