If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
