My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
