I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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