Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think my moral compass just broke
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