omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
bring money and cleavage
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
