Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
