did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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