Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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