Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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