My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
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