The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
