I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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