Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
