You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Randomize
