is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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