he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She even gives head with a lisp.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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