they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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