you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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