So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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