I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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