Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
