You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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