it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
