now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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