That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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