After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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