i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
