my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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