Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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