new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
