I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
