This is not my ceiling
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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