I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
