The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
