She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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