I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
