I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
