But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
