I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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