i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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