remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
