dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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