so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am one with the molecules
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
