This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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